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April / May 2001
CALL ME - WE'LL DO LUNCH
(The Movie)
RB's bedroom... Night... January 28th, 2001.
Checking voice mail.
"This is RB... I'll be at the Sundance Film Festival from the
23rd through the 28th, please leave a message and I'll get back to you
as soon as I thaw out."
You have 37 messages...
beep
"RB, Terry here. I was the girl with the straight black hair and
the dramatic makeup. I was drinking straight bourbon at the Warner Brother's
party up in Park City? Remember, you said I looked like Elvira having
a bad hair day? Well, whatever. I got to thinking, I want to be an actress
and, well, I was one in high school, but maybe I can take some pics
for your magazine and we can go from there. I'll make it worth your
while. Call me. Oh, and I'll give you permission to airbrush out that
huge Bitch tattoo on my chest. Thanks."
beep
"Yes, hi... This is Hugh Hefner (techno music and loud female
giggling in the background). (Muffled voice) No, sweetheart, I think
that one takes double A batteries. So, um, anyway, got your message,
love to do the interview. However, Tuesday at one is no good for me.
Taking the girls on a Rodeo Drive shopping spree and then it's back
to the Mansion for a little lovin'. (Muffled voice) No, sweetheart,
Viagra... the blue pill. Right. Sorry about that, anyway call my people
and we'll see when little Hef is scheduled for a break. Take care."
beep
"Mr. Botto, this is Harry at the lodge. We have an estimate for
the fire damage on your cabin. We'll be sending you a bill in the mail
for that and the hole in the Jacuzzi. Thanks for your patronage and
we'll see you next year."
beep
"Dude, it's Smoot. The Wonder Dude. I met you in Starbucks. I was
having the double mocha decaf latte'? I mentioned the movie I'm working
on? Remember, the one about the middle aged nurse in the Gulf War addicted
to crack? It's original stuff, man. Not like this Norma Rae in a wonder
bra, Julia Roberts, Erin Jahovawitz crap. Anyway, I wanted to know if
you wanted to provide some backing? I'll give you an executive producer
credit. I'm thinking Meryl Streep as the nurse. But, she may be hard to
get, dude, so I'm not against making the nurse an intern and grabbing
Jennifer Love Hewitt. Candy stripers, baby!!! Hopin' she'll do the nude
scene. Shout at me, man."
beep
"Hey asshole, this is (actress deleted). You promised me the cover,
you *@!@)#. You make me freeze my ass off in 60 degree weather to take
bikini shots and then you push me to the middle of your piece of &@#!
mag? Do you know how many WB shows I've been on? I just tested for a
GREG KINNEAR movie! What do you think about THAT? I have staying power,
baby. You can kiss my anorexic ass."
beep
"Mr Botto? Harry at the lodge again. Just found the sheep in the
hall closet. Scared the living hell out of our maid. Good one! There
was only minor damage to the door frame. It will be reflected in the
bill. Thanks."
beep
As RB massages his temples and waits for the next message, he thinks
about where he placed that long length of rope. Suddenly a goddess in
a sheer nightgown appears and begins to rub his shoulders. We zoom in
on a rejuvenated RB... The world makes sense again.
FADE OUT
No one ever said my life was Casablanca.
Enjoy the Issue,
Richard Botto,
Editor in Chief / CEO of RAZOR Magazine - The Definitive Men's Lifestyle Magazine
www.razormagazine.com
